I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
