She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
