Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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