I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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