Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
