Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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