i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The ass gains better be worth it
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