Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
