On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
