I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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