the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
