Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
