So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
