I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
