hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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