i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
