you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
