im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
you never un-have a 4some
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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