you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
