i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
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