In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
