I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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