I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
