If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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