at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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