just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
