he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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