today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
