I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
