so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
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Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
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But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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