my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
