i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
