I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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