Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
