i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
