I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
