Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
