I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
