i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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