ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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