I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
