We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
