you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking