i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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