I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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