I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
