i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
