so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
