when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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