Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
