What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
