I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
