Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
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I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
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I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?