I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore