I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
two words: eviction party
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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