I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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