This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
